Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Am I crazy or am I just S.A.D?

Beware... there is much grumbling ahead. If you don't want to read about it (and I can't say I blame you!) then you should just come back another day. How about doing something positive instead?

Considering how Scrooge/Eeyore/Grumpy/etc I am feeling this Christmas season, I have been reminded of the fact that there is a special brand of depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. It has to do mostly with the fact that your body is reacting to the lack of natural light that it is exposed to (vastly less than the summer) and therefore makes you depressed, gain weight, sleepy, etc. This perhaps refers to me, but I think my gloominess is due more to the fact that the world puts so much emphasis on "the holidays"... and personally, it never seems to live up to my prefabricated expectations. I guess I miss childhood's naive vision of it all, with all of its magic and mystery. I guess, too, that the person I was this summer had me, quite early, looking ahead to a magical Christmas that isn't going to exist. I hate, too, that my job makes me irritable about this time of year, too. I have five school concerts this week. One is done, four to go. And then church stuff, too, which I am sadly not doing with any kind of a joyful or generous spirit. I can't even listen to much Christmas music, which is usually my favorite.

This time of year is supposed to be a season of joy, faith, good tidings to all and peace on earth. A magical time of year with surprises and miracles and secrets wrapped in shiny paper. Of friendship and family and love. And I wish I felt better about it all. Of course, I will celebrate. I will sing, conduct, give generously, find things to be thankful for, pray. Try to hold on to hope... and faith. Hope that the New Year will bring better tidings.

P.S. Happy half-birthday to me. Woo hoo.
P.S.2. Boy have I written something majorly depressing. Maybe I need some happy pills. Or a drink. Or a massage. Or just run away and join the circus.
P.S.3. Don't worry about my mental state. I usually don't share like this, and am a fairly good chameleon. I can manage to look all perky and cheerful and full of Christmas spirit. I just vent a lot here.

No comments: