Saturday, August 23, 2008

Very soggy musings

I am in Florida at the moment, visiting my grandmother. This in itself is hard - to see her so frail and so unlike herself is heartbreaking, and the awful thought of "Is this the last time?" is a heavy weight. And to add to that, it hasn't stopped raining the ENTIRE time we've been here. I mean it. Tropical Storm Fay has set up residence over Florida, so there has been nothing but awful, awful weather. Soggy and gloomy and sad.

Due to all of this, I've had far more time to think than perhaps I should. I have seen happy things happening to several friends lately - not the types of things that are just magical coincidences, but rather things that have been worked on and planned for, but I just didn't know about until it has come to be. I am happy for them, of course, and celebrate with them, as it should be.

Things like this have strangely made me sad, because they are showing me that I still haven't accomplished the things I want to do (or at least try to do). Why haven't I done these things? Fear. Laziness. Fear. Tiredness. Uncertainty. Fear. I realize that I am just too afraid. Afraid of something that might be hard, or expensive. Afraid of failure. That's a big one. I'm too used to being Miss Perfect, which I am trying to escape from... with some help. But it's a very long and windy road.

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