Sunday, October 02, 2005


Sometimes we stumble upon things in our lives that we realize we need to fix. Usually, it takes the thing happening to realize it, since we don't tend to think about things like that unless they are in front of us. One of mine is how I deal with stress.
I have had a stressful two weeks of training for my new job, which culminated in taking a test at work to prove I had learned and was competent to work on my own. I went into it confidently, knowing that I was comfortable with most of what would be expected of me. The test had two parts, a practical and a written - practical first. I had two hours, and so I got to work. The beginning of the practical was fine, and I was feeling like everything was under control. Things got harder as I progressed along, but I was handling it. Then I got to the last three tasks... and hit a wall. They were things I'd only read about, but never had the opportunity to see or do myself. And I realized how unprepared for that I was. I started crashing and burning and at that point, the built-up stress inside reached its boiling part. I felt sick and was sure of failure. I didn't know what to do and yet tried anyway, but felt that it was all wrong. Finally, I just had to give up and admit defeat, at which point I had to take the written part of the test. It was short, and I knew what I was doing, but I had lost all confidence and wanted to run as fast as I could out the door before I burst into tears. Strangely enough, they were kind to me and did not count the end of my practical, since I had not had a chance to actually do those things before. Which gave me a 92 on both sections, passing successfully. Yet I felt emotionally drained from the whole experience.
So, herein lies the problem. I get discouraged and frustrated and I take it all internally, which stresses me out completely. Unfortunately, it makes me lose my confidence and manifests itself in other ways in my life... which makes it all the more frustrating. I can put on a good front, but I guess I just don't believe in myself enough. I am afraid of too many things, the biggest of them being failure. I am afraid of change, and yet crave it. I want to do big things, and yet seem to lack the confidence to jump in headfirst and pursue them. I know some things that I want for my life, but can't seem to figure out how to get from point A to B.
I really don't expect to get any answers here; I just needed to vent.

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